• QUESTION: I am always alone with myself. What does this horrible solitude tell me? Am I deprived of someone? How do I get rid of loneliness? – Joy Paul

ANSWER: Jacob Parappally MSFS

One can feel lonely even in a crowd. It is not the physical presence of other humans that cause a person not to experience loneliness. Though the cause of one’s experience of loneliness can be explained from the perspective of psychology and sociology, it can be looked at from a theological perspective. Loneliness and aloneness are different. One can be alone but need not necessarily be lonely. It depends on one’s attitude to life as a whole and to a life of faith in particular that gives meaning to one’s life.
St. Simeon the Stylite lived on the top of a pillar for thirty-seven years. He lived there alone but in communion with God, other human beings and in contemplation of the whole universe. He confessed that he was never lonely. For some living in a community with other humans and by interacting with them bring them happiness and satisfaction. For them, it is very challenging and fulfilling to live and relate with others sharing their joys and sorrows. For others, it is difficult to live with others. They feel threatened by the presence of others. They prefer to go through life avoiding any interactions with others as far as possible. For existentialist philosopher Jean Paul Satre, the other is a hell. However, for Gabriel Marcel the other is heaven because in relation to others one can relate to the Ultimate Other. To feel related with others or not is not merely a psychological feeling but it depends on one’s attitude to life and one’s world-view. Solitude can be horrible for those who are deprived of the joy and satisfaction in life by living in right relationship with others by force or by the exigencies of life. If solitude is imposed from outside it can lead to loneliness leading to depression. But when solitude is freely chosen for a higher cause like seeking God in contemplation it can be a salutary experience.

• Restlessness of the Human Mind

The restlessness of the human mind to be in communion or to be relationship with others has its origin in the very human nature itself. Humans are not created for themselves but for others and for the Ultimate Other, God. It is the Christian faith-experience that humans can find happiness and fulfilment only to the extent that they freely relate themselves with God, manifested in Jesus Christ. Every longing for the other is the expression of their longing for God. For this reason, St Augustine, in his Confessions, states, “You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.” Therefore, every experience of loneliness and the inner longing for someone, in the final analysis, is the longing of the human heart for God who created humans to belong to him alone even when it appears to human beings that another human being can still the thirst of humans for companionship. As they are all bound by space and time or as limited humans, they can never satisfy the need of another human being for a fulfilling and lasting companionship. Humans, though bound by space and time, are beings beyond space and time. They are transcendent by nature and they are themselves to the extent they freely relate themselves to God, the Absolutely Transcendent Reality. The experience of solitude is a positive indication of the need of humans to go beyond themselves to reach out to the Absolute.

• Solitude: The Depth of Communion

Solitude is not the absence of communion but the depth of it. The transitoriness of every relationship even when it touches all the aspects of a human’s life as in the case of the sacrament of matrimony, leaves one with the stark reality of one’s being as being alone. Even the most sublime and noble relationship among humans cannot cross the boundary of space and time in this world. The only way to overcome the limitations of relationships is to transport it to the realm of spirituality. One becomes truly human when one is able to relate with God, other humans and the entire world with a contemplative attitude. It is by discovering the ‘monk’ within according to Raimundo Panikkar.
The word, monk comes from the Greek term, monachos meaning one, single or solitary. Monachos is not the numeral one. The depth meaning of solitariness is oneness or communion. It is the same oneness which Jesus speaks about his relationship with his Father (John 10:30). It is the oneness of the one who is in communion with oneself, other humans, God and the cosmos that experiences well-being or wholeness. Every human being, by nature, is a monk and is called to realize his or her oneness with the entire reality. This communion or oneness though experienced in time and space or in the history of one’s human existence, transcends history. It embraces everything that pertains to a human being. It is this oneness one carries to her or his destiny.
One who relate with things, others and God with a pragmatic attitude or relate with them for their usefulness cannot experience true solitude. A pragmatic relationship reduces everyone into an object of relationship. Those who approach other humans and God for their usefulness discard them when the usefulness is over. They reduce humans and God to objects and the things of this world to mere matter or stuff. For such people solitude becomes frightening loneliness and genuine offer of relationship becomes threatening. They become insecure and frightened when they are no more able to use people or things according to their desires. When they lose the power to control other persons as well as their surroundings, they feel condemned to a life of utter loneliness and despair. In fact, it happens in the lives of many people if they are not able to respond to the grace of conversion to a life of meaningful relationship with themselves, others, and God.

• Embracing Solitude with Gratitude

Everyone in every walk of life experiences solitude in her or his life. Solitude is a life-time vocation of ascetics or those who have renounced a worldly way of life. It is also a part of life for every human being either chosen by themselves from time to time or imposed on them by outside forces for whatever reasons. When solitude is freely chosen to be in communion with oneself, God, others and nature, it is a medicine for the human spirit to heal its brokenness and to experience renewed vitality. Even when it is imposed from outside due to certain circumstances beyond one’s control, if it is embraced with a positive attitude, the outcome is always beneficial to the one who experiences solitude as well as to those who encounter him or her. We have the example of Moses who was in communion with God in solitude. “The people of Israel saw the face of Moses, that the skin of Moses’ face shone; and Moses would put the veil upon his face again, until he went in to speak with God (Exodus 34:35). The experience of Peter, James and John on Tabor was such an encounter with the glorious Christ that they wanted to remain always in that solitude of the mountain. A well-accepted and well-lived solitude whether it is for a long time or short time, has the power to heal, reconcile and renew a person. For such persons, solitude is a blessing.
Created in the image and likeness of God, the Trinity or Absolute Communion, humans are communitarian by nature. Following our nature, we cannot but live in communion. Solitude is not an antithesis to communion but a deeper experience of communion. However, solitude is sometimes misunderstood as loneliness, cutting of relationship with others, feeling abandoned by others and even God. Such a feeling of loneliness and abandonment leads one to frustration and fear. Those who feel terrible loneliness and fear fall into the depth of insecurity. They are frightened of their own shadows and are subject to psychological delusions. Unless they are healed psychologically and spiritually, they continue to experience loneliness and fear.
For a true disciple of Christ every moment is a grace-filled moment as it is suffused with the presence of God. For such a person every encounter is an encounter with God and every absence is a presence. Solitude for such persons is not emptiness but it of is fullness communion. One need not be a mystic or contemplative to embrace such a solitude. It needs only an expanded mind which includes everything and everyone. Jesus said, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust…. You, therefore, must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matthew 5:45,48). To be like our all-embracing Father in Heaven, one needs to go out of himself or herself. Although at the level of our being or ontologically we are in communion with everyone or our solitude is communion, we have to embrace this solitude existentially. The promise of the risen Christ is his continued presence with all those who receive him. A disciple of Christ is always in the fullness of solitude because of the all-embracing presence of Christ with the believer. Though his presence is also there with the unbelievers, his presence is absence for them. Loneliness is always self-imposed. It can be overcome only by emptying oneself of one’s false sense of ego which prevents him or her from encountering others with openness even at the cost of being wounded or rejected. A self-emptying person always experiences true solitude filled with fulfilling relationships.