Agnes S. Thomas

“It is easy to find truth, though it is hard to face it, and harder still to follow it” – Bishop Fulton J. Sheen.

There was a time in my life I spent a lot of time doing community-building activities with families young and old. Alex and Mary were one of them. Here, I take them as a case study to examine how adults in a family influence the culture and values of the children in a household. Alex and Mary are middle-aged, middle-class working parents. They have four children aged 12- 22, two boys and two girls. Boys are older and in college, and girls are in school. Alex was considered a leader by his peers and was very active. Mary was part of the choir, and the children were involved in youth ministry. By all means, a happy, talented, devoted family to their church friends. The children were role models to their peers as respectful, kind, and loyal young people who kept to themselves but were ready to help anyone who sought their help.
However, in spending time with the children, I learned a different story emerging of the family. A narrative that was troubling and sad. The eldest served time doing community service because he was caught scamming the elderly and was expelled from school for cheating on exams. The second excelled in school but was a recluse and had no friends. Mary told me they were struggling to guide their children. Behavioral and challenges affected everyone at home. She also confided they didn’t want anyone to know about their struggles.
As explained by one of the children, the household culture indicated what appeared as calm and quiet and stable was not to be. It was all an artificial façade of a happy, healthy household. Alex clearly told the children what happens in the family stays in the family. The regular verbal and emotional abuse towards the children and their mother never got discussed, and they were not to complain about it. The lessons he taught them to save money were dishonest and often crossed the line of cheating the system or people. They were also instructed to keep away from people who were not like them.
The children were taught to live two lives, one for the public and one for the private, consisting of entirely different values and practices. The girls explained how their mother never complained or corrected their dad. She told the children this is how it goes, and they were not any different.
The double lives they lived at home made them believe all people and families in their circle were living such life too. Sadly, the children also perceived faith as a performative cover-up to live in peace outside the home. It was no surprise the children, especially the boys, were paying the price for this double life. Long story short, with a bit of persuasion, Alex and Mary agreed for professional counseling. Eventually, the whole family sought help and amended their ways to live more authentically.
The reason I shared their story here today is simple. Alex and Mary teach us an important lesson on how their private lives produced and reproduced a set of behaviors and patterns that would destroy their children and could create a circle of broken homes if there was no interruption. Love and respect are foundational to any stable relationship; when it is lived, the outcome of that relationship will also be founded on respect and love. Their story is also a cautionary tale. It presents a deeper challenge of our current times, where faith often becomes a performative action and a ritual with no meaning and expectation. Faith can be determined to be performative when its actions are not bound by love, respect, joy, forgiveness and hope. If we want to change and influence others around us authentically, let us be authentic with ourselves first. Let our faith be not performative but form the basis of our lives and reflect who we are and how we live according to the call we have received. The call and message of the gospel is to truth and love, whether in private or public.