• Dr. Roy Palatty, CMI

“Where the family goes so goes our society and the world” (St. John Paul II). The family is the basic unit and foundation of society, and so the state of families directly impacts society as a whole. The constitution of family is currently facing significant challenges from aggressive secularism, a technocratic culture, convenience-based marriages, and above all, a lack of mutual trust and love. In the present times, dysfunctional families are multiplying, highlighting the urgent need for proper spiritual and emotional guidance to steer families in the right direction.

How can we create joyful families? A family that is sad is a family that is not thriving. The spirit of joy is the hallmark of our Christian living and witnessing. Joy is a key attribute of a genuine Christian household. Happiness and joy are not necessarily the same; happiness comes from accomplishments, while joy is experienced in relation to the other. Joy is a state of overall contentment in life. Within the family dynamic, joy is the gift that life gives you as you give away your own gifts to others.

There are three important ways through which you can cultivate joy in your family and relationships: first each member must learn each other’s love language and apology language; second, make your family a place of confession rather than a court-room; and third, transform your house into a home, by integrating Godly values, prioritizing family time, and promoting mutual self-giving among all family members.

Learn Each Other’s Love Language

Love is the foundational principle of family life. Most parents love their children sincerely, but many of them do not know how to express their love. As St. Therese of Lisieux said, “Love must be proved.” How do you express your love? In our generation, most children are growing up emotionally empty and spiritually bankrupt due to their social environment and excessive attachment to social media cultures.

Kevin was born in India and raised in the US with two siblings. His parents, devout Catholics, work tirelessly to provide a bright future for Kevin. However, when Kevin turned fourteen, he started excessive drinking and engaging in bad relationships which adversely affected his studies and behavior. He did not like being micromanaged by his parents and wanted to get away from home. Despite their prayers and efforts to seek counseling, Kevin felt misunderstood and unloved by his parents. The parents had migrated to the US to make a great future for Kevin and his siblings, but Kevin felt unloved and ununderstood.

“Happiness and joy are not necessarily the same; happiness comes from accomplishments, while joy is experienced in relation to the other. Joy is a state of overall contentment in life. Within the family dynamic, joy is the gift that life gives you as you give away your own gifts to others.”

Kevin once told me, “I never felt loved by my parents. I first got involved in drinking because I wanted my friends to like me.” He wanted to justify himself and blame his parents. Kevin’s parents, like others, love their children and want them to feel loved, but they don’t know how to adequately convey this feeling. It is only when they learn how to love that they can let their children know how much they are truly loved. Kevin’s parents failed to communicate love in a way that he understands.

Raising emotionally healthy children is becoming an increasingly difficult task, and so parents need to learn the love languages of children. In their popular book, “The Five Love Languages,” Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell discuss five important love languages: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, sharing gifts, and acts of service. Each child expresses and wants to receive love uniquely. Don’t assume that they are just like you and have the same needs. While physical needs are easier to recognize and fulfill, emotional and spiritual needs require time and reflection. Kevin had an emotionally empty tank as his parents were not ready to spend quality time with him the way he needed. Once they identified this, they prioritized spending quality time with their children over their jobs. They have now gotten their joy back.

The same principle applies to spousal relationships. Husbands must learn their wives’ primary love language to effectively communicate love. Many people start each day with the mistakes of yesterday. Intimacy between spouses is impossible without words of affirmation and encouragement. Love is not our only emotional need. It has been observed that among our basic needs are the need for security, self-worth, and significance. Love, however, interacts with all of these. In the context of marriage and family, if people do not feel loved, the differences are magnified and relationships weaken. This does not mean spouses must agree on everything. But in a meaningful relationship they find ways to handle the differences so that differences do not alienate.

Make Your Family a Confessional rather than  a Courtroom

A senior Judge of the Supreme Court in the US recently congratulated a bride and groom on their marriage with a pertinent piece of advice: “See that you never turn your family into a courtroom; instead let it be a confessional. If the husband and wife begin arguing like attorneys in an attempt to justify their behavior, their family becomes a court of law where nobody wins. On the other hand, if the husband and wife, as in a confessional, are willing to admit their faults and work to correct them, the family becomes a heavenly one.” We can avoid the pitfalls seen in dysfunctional families. Ecclesiastes 7: 29 states: “God made us plain and simple, but we have made ourselves complicated.” This is so true. Some people, for instance, are chronic complainers. They find reasons to complain about anything and everything. Instead if they were to count their blessings each day, they would likely find fewer things to complain about. Rather, they would be thanking God and others for the blessings they have.

To my knowledge, families resembling a courtroom dynamic are more common among professionals than agricultural villagers. Manju is a medical doctor and Roy is a software engineer in Bengaluru, India. They got married about four years ago and still working on starting a family. Not a day goes by their household without some arguments about each other’s responsibilities and lack of understanding.

“To develop an intimate relationship, one needs to know other person’s desires. The lovely partnership of building a joyful family should never be sacrificed on the altar of egoism and selfishness.”

Although they are both independent individuals, they are living with high levels of stress and anxiety. Love should make requests, not demands. This requires humility of heart and understanding. When Roy demands things from Manju, she feels belittled, leading to arguments between them. They regret their battles every day, but they fail to understand each other’s apology language. To cultivate genuine love between spouses, they must learn how to express regret, accepting responsibility, and ask forgiveness.

The Holy Family of Nazareth was a model family not because they were free from problems like confusion, doubt, poverty, wanderings, pain, and sorrow, but because they never asked the foolish question of who was the greatest among them. When you ask such questions within your family, you lose the beauty of life and the good surprises the future has in store for you to enjoy. The members of the Holy Family helped each other. To develop an intimate relationship, one needs to know other person’s desires. The lovely partnership of building a joyful family should never be sacrificed on the altar of egoism and selfishness. Manju and Roy realized their mistakes, confessed to each other, and began building an authentic family. True that love doesn’t erase the past, but it does make the future different.

Make Your House a Home

In his popular book, “Family and Civilization,” Carle C. Zimmerman, an eminent American sociologist, discusses three types of families: Trustee families, Domestic families, and Atomistic families. In trustee families, marriage is seen as a covenantal or divine act emphasizing unity and indissolubility. The father acts as a priestly figure, and children are viewed a blessings. These families have a strong support network of relatives and friends.

In domestic families, marriage is more of a contract-based relationship. The father takes on the role of a CEO, and children are seen as economic agents. While some sacredness is attributed to marriage, it is viewed as a civil matter that can be formed and dissolved. Relationships are limited to a small circle.

Atomistic families are formed out of convenience-based marriages where children are seen as burdens. Parents have little control over their children, and the family maintains micro-relationships. In these families, marriage is a private secular agreement, and divorce is considered an easy solution to problems. The dysfunctional family systems seen today are a result of the atomistic families in which we live. Atomistic families are found in houses, not in homes. In order to turn houses into homes, we need a few essential elements that are seriously lacking in atomistic families.

First and foremost, we must value the institution of marriage and family. You cannot truly live for something that you do not value. Marriage is a sacred covenant or sacrament, and an institution ordained by God where two people are united before God and his people. They recognize that marriage is not ultimately about them, but is about God and about serving God’s purposes. This is a vocation, a sacred calling. This basic understanding is distorted by the popular secular culture of today.

Secondly, it is important to prioritize quality time together. Make a conscious effort to spend quality time as a family, sharing both burdens and joys. Engage in activities that promote bonding and creating memories. When the older generation shares their stories, the younger ones gain a wealth of experiences of history and tradition that are invaluable for their future. When family members come together with a shared purpose, they find reasons for joy. A family that listens to each other will never break. As Leo Tolstoy once said, “All happy families are alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” There are common elements in happy families and lives, such as sharing meals, praying togethers, spending time with one’s spouse, and listening to each other. In a technocratic culture, we are getting more and more isolated with the internet and social media. We have forgotten the magic of sharing a meal with our family members. It is important to remember that sharing a meal is not just about eating, but also about strengthening family bonds and creating pleasant memories. The more frequently families eat together, the less likely kids are to smoke, do drugs, or become depressed. Pope Francis warns against falling to hectic “dictatorship of doing” without finding time for sharing and reflecting.

Thirdly, in a home environment each one views their life not as revolving just around themselves but including their loved ones. Many things and persons involved to make our life beautiful. In a home you have someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for because you live just not for yourself, but for others also. “Love is willing the good of the other” (St. Thomas Aquinas). Life finds greater meaning and purpose as one extends the boundaries of one’s interest.

Fourthly, in home, you prioritize God and His values. Divine grace is very important for joyful and thriving families. As we see in the story of the wedding in Cana, even if we have planned, certain things may go wrong. At Cana the family had invited important guests like Jesus, Mary, and others. They had arranged for sufficient food and drink, but at some point, the wine ran out. Family life is similar in that regard. Despite all your efforts and planning, things often go wrong. In those moments, you need to be able to call on the help of God.

As St. Kuriakose Elias Chavara puts it, “a good Christian family is the image of heaven, where members live together by the bond of blood and affection, duly respecting and obeying the parents, walking peacefully before God and people, seeking eternal salvation according to each one’s proper state of life” (Testament, Introduction). Parents have a responsibility to share the joy and beauty of Christian life with their children. The present generation seeks a personal encounter with Christ. Many don’t want to follow the customs of their parents just for the sake of it. They are looking for meaning and purpose. To help them understand, it is vital to facilitate their experience of the living God. You cannot share what you don’t have. Spiritual life is not a boring business; it is a joyful activity. Remember what St. Augustine said about the joy of spiritual life: “Love God and do whatever you want; for the soul trained to love God will do nothing to offend the One who is beloved.” Love makes everything beautiful because love never fails. So, too, does the spirit of joy.

• [Fr. Roy holds a doctorate in Philosophy from the Catholic University of Leuven in Belgium. At present he serves as the Spiritual Director of Shalom World ]