Fr Jo Paul Kiriyanthan
Listening is an art, since it is more a subjective experience which involves a communication between individuals’ feelings, emotions and convictions. As in the case of every art form, it can be learned through conscious efforts and repeated practice. ‘Integral listening’ and ‘unconditional listening’ are two major characteristics of effective listening.
Listening becomes really effective when it is integral. The Chinese word equivalent to listening is ‘Ting’. While they write this word, Chinese People include images of an ear, eye and a heart. It is an indication of an integral listening. Usually people speak not only through the words, but also through gestures and symbols. Some studies even argue that words do only a 7% of communication; whereas various elements like nonverbal gestures and paralinguistic factors help a total communication. Therefore, an undivided attention and an empathetic heart are substantial to make the listening more integral and efficient. An active and integral listening can do wonders in the life of a person who is suffering with several emotional conflicts.
Listening with the heart can be also understood as ‘unconditional listening’. In unconditional listening one who speaks feels as if being understood by the other. In such listening, the person who listens does not attempt for a logical questioning as if it is done in a crime investigation. On the contrary, guiding motive of the listening person is to accept the other without making any judgements. Judgements condition one’s listening. Listening without judging the other can be therapeutic. An unconditional listening by the other can provide an environment which does not accuse, terrify, or create doubts or shame for a person in difficulties. It helps one to accept such hard emotions, to process them and to live them with more consciousness.
Stephen Richards Covey, the author of ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’ says “most people do not listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply”. People do not search for a reply from the other always, but they are in need of a person who understands them as they are. Being understood by the other is a blessing in itself.
