Dr. Agnes S. Thomas

• The family is the  first essential cell of human society.” – Pope John XXIII

We live in a time when the foundation of family and its significance are more critical than ever. The dictionary defines “family” as a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether living together or apart (dictionary.com). This definition suggests that family involves both children and adults, hinting at a hierarchical structure where children depend on adults for their well-being and development. It also underscores the relationship between adults as fundamental to how children understand relationships, making adults responsible for modelling healthy behaviours and life choices.

In this article, I will explore a few of the fundamental gifts and pillars of a healthy family and how these serve as windows to the world for those fortunate enough to be part of one. I will qualify my reason for describing the family as a blessing. From my interactions with children and adults, I’ve learned that some express deep gratitude for being part of a positive and healthy family. Others feel they were denied the opportunity to grow in such an environment. I hope that we can reflect on the kind of family we should aspire to create and understand its significance in shaping a better world for all of us.

Family creates a place of belonging

As a mother of three and someone who grew up in a large extended family with siblings and many cousins, one fundamental aspect I’ve learned about family is the sense of belonging it provides. Based on my experience, our first awareness of being part of a group begins at home. When a family creates a sense of belonging for its members, they feel rooted and emotionally safe. This starts with the adults, who begin to cultivate a sense of safety and belonging when they foster and model security in their own relationships.

Freedom to express joy or frustration with family gives us the confidence to be authentic. At the heart of this experience is a sense of safety and care, knowing we won’t be judged for being ourselves.

“Family is where a child first learns to value or ignore their role in building a shared humanity. When families model generosity and reciprocity beyond their homes, they teach children the importance of interconnectedness and equality rather than a hierarchy of values.”

Another example of belonging and family, provided by a young person/mentor, is the feeling of being validated and caring for one another. This, in turn, helps them appreciate relationships and leads them to want to eventually create a similar structure.

Key characteristics of a family where everyone feels a sense of belonging include acceptance and inclusion, where individuals feel safe being themselves and are appreciated. Shared experiences, consistency in how family members relate to and rely on one another, and a sense of safety in each other’s presence all contribute to this feeling. Additionally, belonging is strengthened when each person contributes to the family’s well-being and is acknowledged and valued.

Family is the first book of life bound by love

As a bookworm, I like to think of family as a book that offers life lessons and shapes the members’ worldview through its teachings. The adults in the family—their relationships and actions—are like the book’s chapters, providing critical lessons for the children in their care. Based on my experience and that of my peers, I would divide this book into four key areas with love as the thread that binds each chapter: 1, Dignity, Respect and moral compass; 2. Faith and spiritual development 3. Healthy Relationships and Social Skills 4. Construction of the world view.

While it may not cover every aspect of family life, I highlight some as central to my understanding of family and reflect my observations of children who carry these lessons into their choices. Although I won’t elaborate on how children often bring fresh and unique perspectives to life, I want to acknowledge that they can be great teachers for adults, especially when they are given a safe space to ask questions and express their thoughts.

Family shapes the sense of self and dignity with a moral compass

A well-run family offers values for developing and leading a worthy life deserved by all. It teaches lessons on how to discern right from wrong. For example, it is in the family that a child first learns that lying or stealing is unacceptable. In their formative years, children learn if it is okay to share feelings and/or confess wrongdoings. Their parents’ reaction will determine their future course of action.

They also learn to respect themselves and others by setting boundaries and caring for their health and well-being. One adverse effect of adults not setting correct examples in these areas is that children lose the opportunity to develop the ability or skills to navigate or choose things or relationships that are good for them, making them vulnerable in their external surroundings.

Family offers the first lessons on faith and spiritual development

Drawing from my example, one of the best gifts I received from my family was my faith. My parents played a crucial role in developing my spiritual foundation and personal relationship with God.

As parents, my husband and I draw from our own experiences of growing up with evening family prayers as a central part of our lives, though we’ve made some adjustments. As we continue this tradition in our household, we view it as a way of passing on the faith we received in our childhood to our children. We all appreciate the check-in time we’ve added to our prayer routine, which offers moments for reflection, fellowship, or even the chance to discuss or debate something one of us feels strongly about. I believe this practice is essential to the well-being of our family.

Family is where one should learn healthy relationships and social skills

Many of us can agree that one of the first lessons we learn in a communal family setting is the importance of community and social bonds. Our internal familial relationships give us the confidence and encouragement to seek friendships and social connections without fear. Looking back, I believe this was where we first learned to mirror external relationships, respect different perspectives, and appreciate various communication styles.

No one goes through life without experiencing conflict, grief, or mistakes—these are inherent to being human. Our response to adversity often reflects the skills learned from our earliest social unit: the family.

Family is where we first learn to communicate, forming the foundation for how we interact with the world. It’s also where we learn to cope with difficulties, and our responses outside the home often replicate the behaviours modelled by the adults around us, for better or worse.

In today’s increasingly diverse world, how we encounter people, cultures, and beliefs different from our own is primarily shaped by the lessons we first learn and observe at home.

Family is the first window to the world

The family shapes the initial worldview, influencing how a person engages with the world and treats all of creation.

Interacting with young people and couples often reminds me of how the adults in their lives shaped their understanding of the world. I see two distinct perspectives among them. Some are deeply sensitive and dedicated to the common good, feeling responsible for the well-being of their friends, neighbours, and community. Others view the world as existing primarily for their own needs, with loyalty confined to their immediate circle. Both mindsets reflect what they learned from their families about their responsibility to themselves and the world.

Family is where a child first learns to value or ignore their role in building a shared humanity. When families model generosity and reciprocity beyond their homes, they teach children the importance of interconnectedness and equality rather than a hierarchy of values.

In sum, we all recognize and appreciate that a healthy and solid family structure is critical for a healthy and solid society, and we are responsible for creating and supporting one where people grow and thrive. In offering gratitude for families, I am also acutely aware of the need to intentionally pray for families to be a place of belonging where people learn, grow, find their God-given purpose on earth and become a gift to the rest of the world.

“And whoever does not provide for relatives and especially family members has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Tim 5:8).

• [Dr. Agnes Thomas is the Executive Director of Catholic Charities of the Archdiocese of Toronto. Agnes served in the not-for-profit sector for more than two decades locally and internationally. She also serves on several non-profit boards and network tables in the GTA.]