• Dr George John

The question of what, if any, grown adult children owe their parents is a complex and multifaceted issue deeply embedded in the fabric of societal norms, cultural traditions, and individual moral principles. To explore this topic thoroughly, one must draw insights from philosophical and literary sources, including the works of Edith Stein and Sophocles, to arrive at a nuanced perspective on the nature of parental indebtedness and the dynamics of familial relationships.
At the heart of this discussion lies a fundamental human truth: all humans share a basic nature, yet their experiences and interactions uniquely shape each individual’s identity and the values they adopt. Edith Stein, the German Jewish philosopher who converted to Catholicism, articulates this notion eloquently in her seminal work on empathy. She argues that while a shared nature unites all humans, their distinct identities are forged through the myriad of experiences and relationships that define their lives. This concept of identity, complex and multilayered, is only partially knowable, shrouded in the enigma of personal experience and subjective perception.
The enigma of identity is brilliantly depicted in Sophocles’ “Antigone”. Where the titular character’s moral and familial obligations clash with the edicts of the state. Antigone’s unwavering commitment to her family, specifically to the proper burial of her brother, highlights the profound influence of familial bonds and the moral imperatives they can engender. Her actions underscore a crucial aspect of human relationships: the obligations and duties that arise organically from our connections with others, including our parents.
In considering what adult children owe their parents, it is essential to recognise the foundational role parents play in the lives of their children. They are often the primary caregivers, educators, and role models, shaping their children’s understanding of the world and their place in it. This nurturing relationship, underpinned by love and sacrifice, lays the groundwork for a child’s development into adulthood.
Stein’s exploration of empathy sheds light on this dynamic. She posits that empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of another, is a crucial component of human interaction and identity formation. Through empathic engagement, children learn to navigate the complexities of human emotions and relationships, a skill that remains pivotal throughout their lives. Parents, in their role as empathic guides, help their children develop this vital capacity.

“What leaves the deepest imprint is the love,

understanding and emotional support

that parents and adult children

provide for each other.”

However, the question of indebtedness arises when considering the nature of the parent-child relationship. Is there a debt to be repaid for the gift of life and upbringing? This question touches on a profound philosophical and ethical debate. One perspective suggests that the act of parenting is, in itself, a gift – an expression of unconditional love, respect and commitment. From this viewpoint, the notion of indebtedness is misplaced; the parent-child relationship is not a transaction but a bond built on mutual love, respect and understanding.
This perspective aligns with the idea that adult children do not owe their parents in any conventional sense. The responsibilities and sacrifices of parenting are acts of love, not investments expecting a return. In recognising this, adult children may feel a sense of gratitude and a desire to reciprocate this love in their own way (some do by becoming parents themselves), and it is by no means a debt, even in the strictest sense. It is, instead, a continuation of the cycle of love and care that characterises human relationships.
The realisation that one is the recipient of such a profound gift often comes with maturity and transition into parenthood. At this juncture, the roles reverse, and the child becomes the caregiver, the provider of love and support. This cycle is a testament to the enduring nature of familial bonds and the perpetual chain of giving and receiving that defines human interaction.
The French phrase “noble oblige” encapsulates this concept aptly: it is not an obligation in the legalistic sense but a moral and ethical duty borne out of respect, love and recognition of what has been received. This sense of moral duty transcends the idea of a debt and becomes a part of one’s identity, reflecting the values and lessons imbibed from one’s parents.
The question of what grown-up adult children owe their parents is not one of quantifiable debt but of recognizing and honouring the profound impact of parental love and guidance. It is about understanding the gift of life and upbringing as part of a larger cycle of human relationships, where love, empathy, and mutual support are the cornerstones. In this sense, adult children owe their parents the continuation of the values and love they received, not as a debt to be repaid but as a legacy to be cherished and passed on. This understanding fosters a sense of gratitude and respect that enriches the individual and the familial bond, thus contributing to the endless chain of humanity.
Building on examining the notion of some indebtedness in the parent-child relationship, it also becomes essential to address the financial aspects as they play a significant role in its dynamics. Money, often a delicate and contentious topic in family discussions, can complicate the intricate relationship between grown-up children and their parents.
In certain situations, particularly for families experiencing financial hardships, the traditional roles of caregiver and recipient may reverse. Here, the adult children may find themselves in a position where they provide financial support to their parents. This reversal of roles can be a source of pride and fulfillment to some, a tangible way to give back to the parents who have invested so much in their upbringing. However, for others, this can be a source of tension and conflict, especially when financial support is expected or demanded.
This shift in financial responsibility can lead to heartache and strain in familial relationships. Many families struggle to discuss financial matters openly, leading to misunderstandings and unspoken frustrations. The discomfort in addressing these issues often stems from deeply ingrained cultural norms and personal pride, which can hinder transparent, empathic communication. These matters should be approached with sensitivity and understanding because each family’s situation will be unique and influenced by many cultural backgrounds, personal beliefs, and individual financial circumstances. Providing for one’s parents in old age is seen variably as a fundamental duty, an expression of filial piety and respect. Still, there are others who place emphasis on individual choice and independence for both the parent and the adult children. Whatever the case, the key to navigating these financial dynamics lies in empathy, open communication, and mutual respect, as they can only strengthen the bonds in a tapestry woven with threads of love.
While financial aspects can add a measure of complexity, they also offer opportunities for adult children to express their gratitude. The ideal sentiment in a parent-adult children relationship is not material things or financial matters. Instead, what leaves the deepest imprint is the love, understanding, and emotional support that parents and adult children provide for each other. The poet Maya Angelou said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said or did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.”